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Total New Eclipse of a Twilight Moon

July 12, 2010

Matt –

I gave my full effort on the first two. I really, really did. I stood outside the theatre in the cold, I stayed up late, I even played if off like  it was my idea to see it a couple of times. The first two Twilight movies still rank as two of the top 5 worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m sorry to all my Edward and Jacob fans (actually, I’m not sorry at all to Jacob fans), but the movies stunk.

The first one I was kind of excited about. “Hey, its my first late night premiere of a movie”, I thought. At least the experience is kind of cool, right? The first movie was like watching this pattern on rotate:

  1. Bella is upset.
  2. Bella whines about why she is upset.
  3. Edward makes her nervous.
  4. Bella whines some more.
  5. Edward says something sickeningly sweet.
  6. Bella falls in love all over again. Barf.

It was like watching a grossly over acted merry-go-round with some different situational nuances. I was angry at this movie for taking my first premiere and disrespecting me like that. I’m worth more than that.

So naturally I immediately agreed to go see the second one. In Temple. Because all the theaters in Waco were sold out. (I super hope she hasn’t forgotten about that. Worth mega brownie points.) I was way more optimistic about this one. They were using a new director. Oh thank God! Even they knew the first one was bad! They will get things turned around. No way it could be worse.

Nobody in this world should have to go without a shirt. Please donate to the "Buy Jacob a Shirt" Foundation. It's a good cause.

You bet it can be worse. Take the pattern from above, now add a couple of things:

  1. Bella is upset.
  2. Bella whines about why she is upset.
  3. Edward makes her nervous.
  4. Bella whines some more.
  5. Bella is reminded how hot Jacob is.
  6. Bella, for some reason, is still whining.
  7. Jacob takes off his shirt.
  8. Edward says something defensive to Jacob.
  9. Bella whines about them fighting, and about everything else.
  10. Bella falls in love all over again. Barf.

AHHH! THERE’S THAT MERRY-GO-ROUND AGAIN! SOMEBODY GET ME OUT OF HERE! I ended up laughing most of the movie. I think they finally cracked me. Did they really just take their mistakes from the last  movie and add a half naked 16 year old guy? How does this add to any appeal it might have had?

I really had no expecations for the third one. I did promise Ashley that I would take her. She enjoys them, so I guess in some sick self-tortuous manner, I enjoy them too. But again, really didn’t expect much out of this “Solar Flare” or whatever this one was called.

(This is where I put a video of a Twilight parody…but you don’t want to watch the whole DVD here.)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I didn’t want to gouge my eyes out after this one. Seriously! I was pleasantly surprised. The directors still can’t muster up the money to buy the actor who plays Jacob a shirt, poor thing. All he has are his jorts.

In this movie, Bella has to choose between becoming a member of the living dead or wearing jorts. This is not an easy decision as you can see, so naturally it would take the entire 3 hours to decide. I could understand that. To boil it down for the guys, Jacob is like the Miami Heat. He can just offer more. Edward is like the Cavaliers. He may not be the best choice if Bella is selfish, but he fits Bella better. Or something. I don’t know. There was a lot of “almost crying” scenes that I couldn’t emotionally comprehend that fast (merry-go-round didn’t go away…those scenes come at you like machine-gun fire!)

The directors actually managed to add some humor, add a fight scene (that wasn’t half bad actually), and finally took out SOME (READ: NOT NEARLY ENOUGH) of the over-acting. I rate this movie:  A movie. Which is a step-up from the last two.

This is Monday. Tomorrow is Tuesday. What happens on Tuesday? We answer questions. Apparently you do not love us. We have no questions. See below here? You can add a comment. See? Yeah. Just click on that, type in 2-3 questions and be done with it. So easy!  You can even scroll back up to the top to add a comment! I love technology! Haha! Yay! Seriously. Do it.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Flo permalink
    July 12, 2010 11:54 am

    Questions:
    1. If not a vampire or a werewolf, what would you choose as an alter ego / animalistic personality for yourself? for your fiance?
    2. If I could Change the World – I love that song also, Matt – how would you change the world? Not your corner of the world, but THE world?
    3. Through each phase of life I believe you collect parts of who you are and will continue to be. Other parts drop away and leave you with a scrapbook of sorts that you can page through and identify when, where and from whom in your life you collected each part. What parts of who you are today do you hope to carry through for the rest of your life?
    4. Is there anything new you would like to add to your scrapbook, if given the chance?

  2. Hansen permalink
    July 12, 2010 1:07 pm

    There’s a reason Eclipse was meh to you. You’re becoming brainwashed. It’s finally gotten to you. When the DVD comes out, illegally download it. Do not buy it. Do not rent it. It’s not worth the money. Then write down on a piece of paper, “I am a man.” Put it next to the computer you will watch Eclipse on, then begin watching Eclipse. Every time you have a doubt that the movie isn’t bad, look at the paper. When the movie is complete, delete the file from your hard drive, rip out the hard drive, throw the hard drive into the Brazos, and tape that piece of paper to your ceiling above where you sleep.

    5. How do you like your Whataburger/Five Guys burger?

    6. What kind of shirt would you buy Jacob? I’m thinking something larger than he needs and bland looking, maybe a grey.

  3. July 12, 2010 1:26 pm

    I’m impressed you made it through all three – Jason refuses to go near them. At all. Sigh. I think he’s threatened by Jacob’s manly pecs and abs. 😀

    There are some hilarious twilight parodies on youtube: check out the Hillywood show’s one – set to Katy Perry’s ‘Hot and Cold’. Makes my day!

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