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In Defense of Masculinity

July 22, 2010

Matt –

Ugh. I am thoroughly embarrassed. I find myself typing on….gulp…a Mac. To my fellow PC users, please don’t stop reading. Tomorrow I promise to be back writing on my Dell. I promise. To my Apple readers…you’re a bunch of hippies. What with your “Finders” and your spinning balls of doom. Get a blue screen like everyone else. Remember that “groundbreaking” commercial for Apple in the 80’s where the woman throws an Olympic style hammer into the “evil PC” face screen thing? Well that’s all well and good, but you don’t see what happens to her afterwards. She is totally unable to open any files her boss sends her.

Ashley is threatening to take the computer back. I suppose I’m done.

I have a good reason to be blogging from this contraption though. I’m currently on the north side of Houston at a training session for my new internship. Mainly I am just observing and taking care of the smaller tasks, but I’m hoping to learn some more about an industry that I’ve really come to find interest in. Anyway, I coerced Ashley to let me in her hotel room and to let me use her laptop (I didn’t want to pay for the wireless myself).

(Just curious though, do the words look different coming from a computer made out of plastic and popsicle sticks? I’ve always wanted to know.)

I don’t just get to travel randomly though. One of my most important job requirements is to keep the boss’s daughter happy. It’s not bad at all though. I have on good authority that she’s gonna marry me.

She really wanted to have a workout partner this morning. Fair. Done. I’m all game. She wanted to do a workout video. Perfect. Let’s get it. Boom. Bingo. Until I found out what it was. Not so bingo. Not so boom.

Physique 57. Was not meant for guys. It was meant for girls. They mislead you. They put a guy in the background doing all the exercises. This is not meant for guys. They make you move your hips and do weird things like dance and make silly gestures. I WILL admit it was one of the best abdominal workouts of my life. I severely disliked the hip and the leg and butt things. It was…not manly…to say the least. It brought out a weird part of my artistic, creative side…

I will not move my hips today,

I will not move them in any way.

I will not lasso that invisible rope

I will not do it, nuhuh, no, NOPE.

I will not lift my leg that way.

I will not stretch my hips, no way.

I will not point my toes like that.

I don’t care, now, if I get fat.

Don’t tell me now to ride the beat,

I want to leave, go home, and eat.

These pelvic thrusts make me feel awkward,

Nothing else will rhyme with awkward.

You make me mad, you happy lady.

I’ve decided to keep my full food baby.

Thank you.

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4 Comments leave one →
  1. July 22, 2010 9:28 am

    That’s fabulous. That’s basically how I feel during P90X sometimes. Only… opposite? Go with that.

  2. July 22, 2010 1:23 pm

    Nice.
    At least you tried it and now have a poem to share with us 🙂

  3. July 22, 2010 3:06 pm

    What a great post! I tell you, the things we do for our women! I work out all the time and once I found myself taking a Zumba Class — totally for my girlfriend. And, yes, I was the only guy in there. It was so freakin’ gay!

    Anyway, great post. I loved that poem, especially the part about not having a word to rhyme with awkward — for some reason it reminded me of Steven Carell.

  4. Flo permalink
    July 22, 2010 4:54 pm

    Awkward, why would it make you feel awkward? I think everyone on that video has taken ballet lessons for 5+ years to move the way they do – Just color me amazed that you even tried it – you deserve mucho brownie points for that one, Matt.

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